Flashbacks

First off, thank you to all those who gave me places to look into helping paying for one of my medications. It means a lot to me.

Now, flashbacks. They suck. They're horrible, and they take you over. I wish there was a magical way to stop them, but you kind of have to deal with them until they pass. Of course if you've found away to end them, please tell me, tell everyone really.

Yesterday I experienced some bad flashbacks, to a level of which I haven't experienced since high school. To explain my flashbacks, they're haunting memories of when I was sexually abused as a child, they bring back an intense level of fear, and sometimes it's hard to separate these memories from reality. When I used to get them that bad (or if I was in an intense situation) I would disassociate.

For those who don't know, to disassociate is to mentally check out of reality. You can go to a safe place in your mind, or you can put yourself in a nightmare. I've never been good at finding somewhere pleasant, so I usually end up in nightmare land. When I'm experiencing my nightmares, I will sometimes self harm subconsciously, usually by scratching at myself, and sadly it's usually my face. That is what happened yesterday. My husband left the car to go to the store, knowing I was in no shape to go in with him, and I zoned, started scratching me face, and only stopped when my husband got my attention.

It's frustrating because it hasn't happened in about 8 or 9 years. My husband has had 0 experience with me in that situation, and now my face burns as a reminder of my painful flashbacks. I am fully aware that these things can happen, and that I just need to get myself through it, but it's hard. Last night I just wanted to sleep, which has been difficult lately again. Today I'm working on taking things slow and distracting myself when necessary. I know that if I continue to do things that please me, that I will make it through, but it's always hard when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So I ask you this, what do you do when you're having a bad moment? How do you distract yourself to continue on with your day?

Stress

Stress is everyone's downfall so why do I let it get to me so much? I honestly don't know, but it does, and it breaks me.

Let me give you some background info on me:
I'm 25 years old, married, have 1 furbaby, and I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Episodes, PTSD, Insomnia, an Eating Disorder, Anxiety, Self Harm, and ADHD (inactive).

That being said I tried to kill myself on 10/16/2013, I went inpatient for 11 days, and then spent 8 weeks in an intensive outpatient program. I'm still on disability from work until next month.

Since my failure (not always a bad thing, kids) I've been dealing with the stress of still living, the stress of no money coming in and still needing to pay for my care and medications, and the stress that is my brain. I've had a lot of reasons to be stressed that are very much valid, however my brain likes to complicate things and make them worse, especially by over thinking.

Today I had to ask to barrow money from a family member so I could continue taking a medication of mine that's new to the market, but works wonderfully for me. I don't like asking for money, in fact I don't like money, but alas money is how the world works and when you run out you have major stress.

So let me ask this, have any of you ever had to borrow money from family before? If so, how did you feel about it? Also, have any of you had to deal with expensive medications before? If so, how did you deal with it?

That's all for now lovelies.