First off, thank you to all those who gave me places to look into helping paying for one of my medications. It means a lot to me.
Now, flashbacks. They suck. They're horrible, and they take you over. I wish there was a magical way to stop them, but you kind of have to deal with them until they pass. Of course if you've found away to end them, please tell me, tell everyone really.
Yesterday I experienced some bad flashbacks, to a level of which I haven't experienced since high school. To explain my flashbacks, they're haunting memories of when I was sexually abused as a child, they bring back an intense level of fear, and sometimes it's hard to separate these memories from reality. When I used to get them that bad (or if I was in an intense situation) I would disassociate.
For those who don't know, to disassociate is to mentally check out of reality. You can go to a safe place in your mind, or you can put yourself in a nightmare. I've never been good at finding somewhere pleasant, so I usually end up in nightmare land. When I'm experiencing my nightmares, I will sometimes self harm subconsciously, usually by scratching at myself, and sadly it's usually my face. That is what happened yesterday. My husband left the car to go to the store, knowing I was in no shape to go in with him, and I zoned, started scratching me face, and only stopped when my husband got my attention.
It's frustrating because it hasn't happened in about 8 or 9 years. My husband has had 0 experience with me in that situation, and now my face burns as a reminder of my painful flashbacks. I am fully aware that these things can happen, and that I just need to get myself through it, but it's hard. Last night I just wanted to sleep, which has been difficult lately again. Today I'm working on taking things slow and distracting myself when necessary. I know that if I continue to do things that please me, that I will make it through, but it's always hard when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I ask you this, what do you do when you're having a bad moment? How do you distract yourself to continue on with your day?
I've always run away from my problems, when my thoughts get too intense, I either physically separate myself from where or what was triggering the downward spiral or do something repetitive and meaningless that i can concentrate on. Sort of zooming in to block everything else out. In high school I would binge Freecell or solitaire for hours to distract myself from my head.
ReplyDeleteIn the past i trained myself to lock everything away inside and hide it from myself but that's not healthy. Now I'm trying to deal with things and become a healthier person, but it's really hard. It's been three years since i've hurt myself to deal with the emptiness and pain but i almost went there again yesterday after a huge fight with my boyfriend. I got out of that space by going to someone else's house. I hate crying and even more i hate letting other people see me cry so being around other people helped me calm down. Later that night my boyfriend and i talked and resolved some things.
Talking things out might be the only way to actually work through things, even though it can feel impossible, at least to me, sometimes. I've kept everyone at a distance for so long, and it feels like everyone i've let in has hurt me. I've built this coldness that i hide in a lot, i thought it helped me deal, and with the short term it does, but it's like locking things away; eventually they resurface and it's often worse then.