Suicide

I know someone who recently killed themselves, and it has brought up a lot of emotions for me, seeing that I've failed at ending my own life a couple times. Thoughts of wishing I could go too, feeling left out, wanting to join. I wish I could say that I'm stronger than that, but the thoughts grab hold of me and I can't break free of them. Dealing with death is one thing, the person being young makes it harder, but the person succeeding where you failed makes you question everything.

Now, I'm not writing this to worry anyone, I'm just expressing myself. I thankfully don't feel impulsive, the thoughts are there but I have some control, so please don't freak out and read into this.

I ask you, have you ever lost someone near your age? How did you deal with the grief?

Lazy

When it comes to depression, some days you just can't do anything. It's not that you don't want to be "lazy", it's just that dealing with your mind exhausts so much effort, that you can't do anything. To those that don't understand, they think you're being lazy. Have you ever heard "It's okay if the only thing you did today was get out of bed"? It's exactly that. Getting out of bed in a depressive state feels near impossible some days, and I've been experiencing them a lot this week.

I wake up, throw on some simple clothes, take my medications, force myself to eat, and then spend the day trying to convince myself to be productive before taking my medications again and going back to sleep. Maybe I put on some music, or maybe I watch a movie, but when it comes to doing anything else, I feel like I'm going to explode, so I just hang out with myself and hope that the next day will be better.

It's been so bad that I don't remember the last time I showered. Disgusting, I know, but that's what happens with depression. Most normal people would take a shower right away of they knew they forgot, but I don't have the energy tonight, and I'm gonna be helping family out, which I will probably get sweaty doing, and then I'm going to a friend's party. So I'll wait until before the party, because honestly, I'm going to need a lot of energy tomorrow, so I mine as well save my energy today.

I know that I should follow a set schedule, I know it could help me to feel better, but I just couldn't do it this week, so I'll try it again next week.

For those seeking help with their depression, yes getting out of bed and following a simple schedule can help, and I do mean simple. If you've got medications to take, make sure their times are on it, make sure to schedule meals, don't forget showers because they're major on self care, and schedule something fun that you enjoy doing. Will a schedule work for you everyday? Probably not, but it's something to strive for, and as long as you've eaten and taken any necessary medications, then you've done a good job.

So now I ask you, what do you think is necessary to have on a simple schedule? How often do you think you need it? And, does having a schedule help you get through the day?

Trauma

My therapist lent me a book during our last session called Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine. It teaches you about trauma and how your body reacts, and then it gives you a 12 phase program to moving past your trauma. The best part for me is that it helps you deal with your trauma without actually getting into the details, and processing the details always causes issues for me. Now I'm only on phase 2, and the first few phases are about body awareness, taking back ownership of your body, grounding and centering yourself, and really just familiarizing yourself with your body and it's reactions. I never realized how out of touch I am with my body, I always thought I understood it, but now that I've established my boundaries, and rekindled my ownership, I feel more aware of myself. Anxiety is like a body response to my trauma, and learning to calm my body will hopefully help me to find peace with my trauma.

Medication

The biggest thing I can say about medication is to familiarize yourself with their side effects. This goes for more than just the psychiatric medications, but all medications, including over the counter.

All medications have side effects, but not everyone will experience them. I recently got out of a hospital after a suicide attempt that was brought on by a side effect of one of my medications. Was it a common one? That's unknown as of right now, due to it being too new to the market, but I know I'm not the only one who experienced that side effect. In turn I talked to my doctor and requested to be taken off of it, and I was placed on another.

Point is, talk to your doctor if you notice anything off, any changes to your body and mind. Also research your medications, look up their reported side effects, and pay attention to yourself. Remember that some side effects are minimal and you can live with them, they may even go away as your body gets used to the medication, but you should still report them. Others are dangerous and require immediate attention.

WebMD.com is a great site for looking up side effects, as is going to the manufacturer's website, which you can usually find just by searching the brand name of your medication. You can also ask your doctor and your pharmacist, they should be able to either give you a list of side effects, or lead you to where you can learn more about them.

And now I ask you, have you ever dealt with side effects of medications? If so, how did go about figuring it out? And, did you have any problems reporting it to your doctor?

Update #2

I apologize for being absent again, I was in the hospital again for another suicide attempt. This time it was a side effect of one of my medications, more on that in my next post. Hopefully this will have been my last hospitalization for a long time.

Selfish

I've been called selfish for attempting suicide, but they don't understand that the journey there was anything but.

Here's my journey, not everyone follows this path, but it's not an uncommon one:

It all started with being overly selfless. I kept burying my pain, hiding it deeper and deeper until it consumed me. I did this for everyone else, I knew that showing my pain would ultimately hurt those I love. I protected everyone from the monster that was caged inside of me. No matter how much I hurt, the only thing that mattered was protecting those I love.

Honestly, suicide was my way of destroying said monster without hurting everyone too much. I'd be less of a burden dead. Everyone could move on with their lives without having to worry about me.

Clearly I failed, and the result is therapists and doctors telling me to be a little selfish, because everyone needs to be selfish in order to take care of oneself.

Am I happy I survived? Not really, I hate that everyone is worrying about me, I hate seeing my loved ones in pain and on edge.

I have some questions for you: Have you ever been called selfish? If so, how did you feel you were acting? What's your opinion on suicide?

Update

So it's been a bit since I last wrote, and there's good reason for that, last week I went back into the hospital to have my medications readjusted.

Here's the story: I was still feeling suicidal and not handling being alone, so I asked my husband to call my doctor to see about getting an earlier appointment to adjust my medications, because I felt like it's what I needed. My doctor didn't want to risk my suicidal ideation so she said that I would have to go back to the hospital, and I did. I spent 4 days there and got my medication worked out, I haven't had any suicidal thoughts since. I go back to my doctor tomorrow to get the rest of it worked out.

I also started working again this week, my managers are being very understanding and are letting me take it slow right now, including letting me work less hours while I get back into things. Which is really good, because I'm a bit overwhelmed at being back, exact reasons are eluding me, but I can't function on whole days just yet.

I feel that I'd be better working part time, but that's just not going to work right now due to money and my benefits. Though it would be wonderful to work part time and craft at home to eventually open my Etsy store.

Another thing, my therapist suggested for me to get a therapy dog, and I love the idea, though it's not something we could afford right now.

I'd love to hear you opinions on working part time instead of full time, and about therapy dogs. Do you feel full time is a lot for you? Do you see part time as a better option? Do you have experience with therapy dogs? If so, what breeds have you encountered?

Flashbacks

First off, thank you to all those who gave me places to look into helping paying for one of my medications. It means a lot to me.

Now, flashbacks. They suck. They're horrible, and they take you over. I wish there was a magical way to stop them, but you kind of have to deal with them until they pass. Of course if you've found away to end them, please tell me, tell everyone really.

Yesterday I experienced some bad flashbacks, to a level of which I haven't experienced since high school. To explain my flashbacks, they're haunting memories of when I was sexually abused as a child, they bring back an intense level of fear, and sometimes it's hard to separate these memories from reality. When I used to get them that bad (or if I was in an intense situation) I would disassociate.

For those who don't know, to disassociate is to mentally check out of reality. You can go to a safe place in your mind, or you can put yourself in a nightmare. I've never been good at finding somewhere pleasant, so I usually end up in nightmare land. When I'm experiencing my nightmares, I will sometimes self harm subconsciously, usually by scratching at myself, and sadly it's usually my face. That is what happened yesterday. My husband left the car to go to the store, knowing I was in no shape to go in with him, and I zoned, started scratching me face, and only stopped when my husband got my attention.

It's frustrating because it hasn't happened in about 8 or 9 years. My husband has had 0 experience with me in that situation, and now my face burns as a reminder of my painful flashbacks. I am fully aware that these things can happen, and that I just need to get myself through it, but it's hard. Last night I just wanted to sleep, which has been difficult lately again. Today I'm working on taking things slow and distracting myself when necessary. I know that if I continue to do things that please me, that I will make it through, but it's always hard when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So I ask you this, what do you do when you're having a bad moment? How do you distract yourself to continue on with your day?

Stress

Stress is everyone's downfall so why do I let it get to me so much? I honestly don't know, but it does, and it breaks me.

Let me give you some background info on me:
I'm 25 years old, married, have 1 furbaby, and I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Episodes, PTSD, Insomnia, an Eating Disorder, Anxiety, Self Harm, and ADHD (inactive).

That being said I tried to kill myself on 10/16/2013, I went inpatient for 11 days, and then spent 8 weeks in an intensive outpatient program. I'm still on disability from work until next month.

Since my failure (not always a bad thing, kids) I've been dealing with the stress of still living, the stress of no money coming in and still needing to pay for my care and medications, and the stress that is my brain. I've had a lot of reasons to be stressed that are very much valid, however my brain likes to complicate things and make them worse, especially by over thinking.

Today I had to ask to barrow money from a family member so I could continue taking a medication of mine that's new to the market, but works wonderfully for me. I don't like asking for money, in fact I don't like money, but alas money is how the world works and when you run out you have major stress.

So let me ask this, have any of you ever had to borrow money from family before? If so, how did you feel about it? Also, have any of you had to deal with expensive medications before? If so, how did you deal with it?

That's all for now lovelies.