Suicide

I know someone who recently killed themselves, and it has brought up a lot of emotions for me, seeing that I've failed at ending my own life a couple times. Thoughts of wishing I could go too, feeling left out, wanting to join. I wish I could say that I'm stronger than that, but the thoughts grab hold of me and I can't break free of them. Dealing with death is one thing, the person being young makes it harder, but the person succeeding where you failed makes you question everything.

Now, I'm not writing this to worry anyone, I'm just expressing myself. I thankfully don't feel impulsive, the thoughts are there but I have some control, so please don't freak out and read into this.

I ask you, have you ever lost someone near your age? How did you deal with the grief?

Lazy

When it comes to depression, some days you just can't do anything. It's not that you don't want to be "lazy", it's just that dealing with your mind exhausts so much effort, that you can't do anything. To those that don't understand, they think you're being lazy. Have you ever heard "It's okay if the only thing you did today was get out of bed"? It's exactly that. Getting out of bed in a depressive state feels near impossible some days, and I've been experiencing them a lot this week.

I wake up, throw on some simple clothes, take my medications, force myself to eat, and then spend the day trying to convince myself to be productive before taking my medications again and going back to sleep. Maybe I put on some music, or maybe I watch a movie, but when it comes to doing anything else, I feel like I'm going to explode, so I just hang out with myself and hope that the next day will be better.

It's been so bad that I don't remember the last time I showered. Disgusting, I know, but that's what happens with depression. Most normal people would take a shower right away of they knew they forgot, but I don't have the energy tonight, and I'm gonna be helping family out, which I will probably get sweaty doing, and then I'm going to a friend's party. So I'll wait until before the party, because honestly, I'm going to need a lot of energy tomorrow, so I mine as well save my energy today.

I know that I should follow a set schedule, I know it could help me to feel better, but I just couldn't do it this week, so I'll try it again next week.

For those seeking help with their depression, yes getting out of bed and following a simple schedule can help, and I do mean simple. If you've got medications to take, make sure their times are on it, make sure to schedule meals, don't forget showers because they're major on self care, and schedule something fun that you enjoy doing. Will a schedule work for you everyday? Probably not, but it's something to strive for, and as long as you've eaten and taken any necessary medications, then you've done a good job.

So now I ask you, what do you think is necessary to have on a simple schedule? How often do you think you need it? And, does having a schedule help you get through the day?

Trauma

My therapist lent me a book during our last session called Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine. It teaches you about trauma and how your body reacts, and then it gives you a 12 phase program to moving past your trauma. The best part for me is that it helps you deal with your trauma without actually getting into the details, and processing the details always causes issues for me. Now I'm only on phase 2, and the first few phases are about body awareness, taking back ownership of your body, grounding and centering yourself, and really just familiarizing yourself with your body and it's reactions. I never realized how out of touch I am with my body, I always thought I understood it, but now that I've established my boundaries, and rekindled my ownership, I feel more aware of myself. Anxiety is like a body response to my trauma, and learning to calm my body will hopefully help me to find peace with my trauma.