I've been called selfish for attempting suicide, but they don't understand that the journey there was anything but.
Here's my journey, not everyone follows this path, but it's not an uncommon one:
It all started with being overly selfless. I kept burying my pain, hiding it deeper and deeper until it consumed me. I did this for everyone else, I knew that showing my pain would ultimately hurt those I love. I protected everyone from the monster that was caged inside of me. No matter how much I hurt, the only thing that mattered was protecting those I love.
Honestly, suicide was my way of destroying said monster without hurting everyone too much. I'd be less of a burden dead. Everyone could move on with their lives without having to worry about me.
Clearly I failed, and the result is therapists and doctors telling me to be a little selfish, because everyone needs to be selfish in order to take care of oneself.
Am I happy I survived? Not really, I hate that everyone is worrying about me, I hate seeing my loved ones in pain and on edge.
I have some questions for you: Have you ever been called selfish? If so, how did you feel you were acting? What's your opinion on suicide?
I've been called selfish for the same reason.. but it doesnt feel like selfishness when you are thinking of cutting those ties that bind everyone to you. to let everyone go.. to allow everyone to let go of you. no one really understands that, and no amount of words could ever help them understand... unless they have been there. you have such an amazing light, you give and give and I think you should be selfish. you should tell people what you want and make them give it to you. everyone only worries about you because you've touched so many people and so many lives. you are such a beautiful soul and thats why this life is the hardest. beauty tends to be broken and punished. as for suicide... I'm very skewed on it.. its something I've always wanted and always thought about.. but its being able to remember and to think about the things that love me.. the things that need me to be there. the people who need me. I may hardly ever feel the connection to anyone but I know its there and its the burden of not wanting them to ask themselves why...the rest of their life.. or what could they have done. recently the girl my friend loved killed herself.. I didnt know this girl so my only thoughts are 'I wonder what made her go through with it.. I wonder why she felt so pushed into a corner' but I'm seeing what it has done to him and its a truly ugly thing. you never think people will miss you.. I'm sure she couldnt feel it...she couldnt feel how much people loved her. I'm on the outside and I've seen so many people mourn her. I dont think she was selfish.. but I do wish she had reached out...and I do wish she had found her salvation just because there are so many broken hearts left in her wake. as would be for you. I think I can speak for everyone and say this... we would rather you call us crying every night, would rather drive to you to hold you, would rather do anything you asked us to than be left with you as a memory. there isnt a day that I dont think of you. and there will never be a day you arnt in my mind... its only a difference of the memories bringing happiness or sadness. I love you so much, I want to see you figure this out..I want to be there if you should ever call and ever need anything.
ReplyDelete